The Last Day

    Pondering:

    Sitting at home on a lonely night. Thinking about the past, and how I wasted my life and am still wasting it. I don't know what I want to do with my life, and I feel the same old cliché: we never know what we have or what's important until it's completely gone and there's no way to get it back. Usually, we look for happiness in the wrong places as we misunderstand what's causing us trouble. Deceiving ourselves with the hope of happiness, thinking that "thing" we want will make everything fine. But I guess there's no perfect day, no perfect moment that will be. You won't be happy when you bang that girl or have that new outfit. It's just another way to keep yourself busy and escape from boredom. Time needs to pass somehow, so we need to do something - anything.

    Reflecting:

    I was looking at the photo where I'm with my father. I thought about how I never had the chance to know him. I mean, what were his fears? What were his dreams? Did he want to fuck all the beautiful ladies, or did he want to have a nice house with his grandkids? Did he have any expectations from me? What did he think of me in the first place? But then I’m thinking my mom is still here, and I don't know her either. She loves me, I know that, but in general, we don't have that much to talk about. When I try to talk, I don't even know how to do that. It feels unnatural to talk about that stuff with my mother. Probably it's because we aren't used to sharing those kinds of things. Well, actually in general, I don't have much to talk about with anyone. When I talk with some person I'm very interested in, I realized recently that actually I'm just thinking out loud. 

    Returning back:

    What was I saying? Oh yes, wasting your time and not knowing what you've got till it's gone. It's highly probable that in 10 years my mom won't be alive, and I will regret not spending enough time with her. If I go back to my country, then I will regret leaving Ireland, not because I'm happy here, but because I feel more miserable there. So I'm doomed in both ways. I'm spending my life fearing something I'll do that I'll regret or something that I won't do and will regret. Actually, in general, I spend my life fearing some things or dreaming of some other things. Teenage dreams at the age of 35. Though I'm not happy that I'm doing it, I can't find anything better to do than dreaming of a fairly happy future. I just can't find happiness anywhere. Just give me a reason other than dreams to live. What to live for? Money? Prestige? Pussy? Can't find anything that has any intrinsic value to live for. Which makes me want to live for the idea of fucking everyone's wife in the ass while their husbands are sleeping at home.

    Heroes:

    I usually think what my heroes would do if they were in my place. How would they waste their lives? What would Lemmy do? Or Bukowski? Probably they would drink, fuck, and curse. I'm too concerned about my health and daily routine to drink. I usually can't find anyone to fuck, or someone interested in me. If these come together, then they probably won't be that attractive, or I will be too lazy to chase them and whenever I find someone who is interested in me and that attractive, and I have the energy to get my ass up the floor and do something then I fall in love and start having paranoia, and I can't enjoy fucking. So I guess the only thing I can do is just curse. It looks like I'm still at the same stage with Holden, as it was the only thing he would do as well. So I'm still not a hero but a little boy? Fuck...

    Growing up and responsibilities:

Talking about being an adult, I remember reading somewhere that Freud, Fromm, or someone else wise said that true adulthood means having the ability to work and the ability to love. So it looks like to be an adult you need to have these abilities, and as I look at both my career and love history, I have neither of these abilities developed that well. So it's another hint that I'm still a kid? A kid with a beard and with responsibilities, huh? Responsibilities that I try to avoid.

    Grand Finale:

    All these things make me think about what kind of life I want to live. It's hard to answer what I really want. But when I think about my past, I felt real joy when I was with some women or friends. I don't even mean drinking, having fun with friends, I mean having some close people that you can be yourself with and talk about life. I want something simple, having a full stomach, feeling healthy, not thinking about future concerns, seeing someone I like, maybe talking with her, then the excitement of the first meeting, first touch, the unknown of if it's gonna happen or not. Flirting, first kiss, first sex, first months. I think I want "liveness" in my life. Yes, that's what I want, I want to feel alive. So, if you have some liveness to share please let me know. Until then I will try to find some of it in my life.